Right now I am furiously avoiding writing my dissertation.Why? No good reason. Mostly if fear though. Suddenly, as I write this chapter, I am freaking out that I don’t know what the hell I am talking about or, alternately, that I can’t possibly summarize the author’s position. So, I end up fighting myself about continuing to work. Its amazing the things you can distract yourself with, things that you would normally avoid doing. Often I end up cleaning my apartment when I get into this kind of rut but tonight I don’t happen to be at home (and honestly its too late to be vacuuming anyway). Lacking something that I really don’t want to do but is less burdensome than what I should be doing, I turn here. I do something that is completely and truly optional. I figure roy reads these posts once every other month or so and maybe one or two others but that mostly this is like talking to a rock or down a deep dark hole; my words drift off into nothingness until they cease to be. It is kind of hard to justify that sort of mental self-aggrandizement when there is important work to be done.
Right, my dissertation is not going to cure cancer. Hell, I’d be surprised if anyone except my committee even bothers to read more than a few pages let alone more than the introduction. But the good work of a dissertation is really not limited to how that particular piece of writing is received by the world. The process is, by itself, a thing of value. Yes, I know that this is something that a person working on a dissertation absolutely must have convinced themselves of; can you imagine writing several hundred pages and thinking the whole time that it is a waste of energy? But truly, I recognize the value of this effort even where it is not directly related to my energies. It is more than a rite of passage, it is training the mind to think in both breadth and depth; and this is something from which we can all benefit.
i feel your pain, though to a lesser degree. i turned in my term paper for my one class last week. that was the first paper i had written in nearly 8 years, and it — the whole act of composing it — was pure-dee hell. when i was “done,” i sat down with my red pen and i was going to grade it the same way i grade my students’ papers (grammar, coherence, clear thesis, clear supporting material related to thesis — comp 1 stuff), and about halfway through i thought to myself, “this sounds like the shit i wrote as an undergrad.” it’s like teaching freshmen for the last few years has made me stupid. i am one rusty mofo, and short of quitting my job and going to school full-time, i don’t know how to become unrusty without amassing a stinking pile of shite as a transcript.
Well, man, hang in there. Hopefully you can crank it out and then it’s all gravy right? Finish this and you are Dr. Hud, yes? Good luck.
I appreciate the words of encouragement. Honestly, at this point, the only way out is through. I just need to get it done.
and, I don’t think I’ll go by “Dr. Hud” I think maybe “Hud PhD” is sillier. Kind of like ‘have dissertation will travel’